Courage is not the absence of fear...

December was a month of celebration! God did some amazing things to show me that the doors were indeed closing in my current place and that it was out with the old, in with the new! What new, you may ask? No clue! But I celebrated the decision to move to East Garfield Park next year. It is so like God to clearly close doors while not showing you the open ones. I believe that God does this because he knows how human we are, and how easily we take control and forget all about Him! By not knowing the future, we cling in an even greater way to Him and the unknown plans yet to be unveiled before us!.

January I start volunteering in my new neighborhood on a regular basis as well as the month to start looking for places to rent. In a surprise move, a house became available that seemed cheap and reasonably fixable.

Now the next crisis isn't what neighborhood but the question- buy? not buy? In walking to it the first day I was surrounded by several men who seemed to think my name was either "snow white" or "sexy" as I was refered to as both. When the first one approached me, he asked if I wanted to buy some really good weed. I just laughted and said no, and kept walking.

Two things struck me here. First, sadness. The only time a white woman walks down this street is when she is looking for good weed? We blast the "ghettos" for being full of drugs, but who is really keeping that business alive? Them, or the people who drive in from their "nice safe neighborhoods" to buy it and leave again?

The second, was how the same situation was being viewed two different ways. I am called snow white and feel danger, while the young man might have just been curious about why I was there in the first place. I am called sexy and inform the man that "I don't talk to people who call me that" and he informes ME that it was a compliment. Oh. So what I take as threatening, he takes as giving a compliment.

and then, God...showed me I have SO much to learn.

When processing the event, and finding out that the block has the highest crime in the whole neighborhood, I had to come to terms with my frustration over my own fear. My prayer up to this point had been to not be afraid. But then I was reminded that Jesus was so fearful that he sweat BLOOD. But courage trumped fear, and the greater purpose trumped courage. For courage alone would lead you to fight, but courage that leads to a greater prupose leads to peace and a calm resolve to walk through the cup God has set before you.

and then, God...showed me to pray for courage, greater purpose, and not a lack of fear.

Adventure, not fear!

Lots of thoughts these days about future - especially in regards to my next neighborhood. I decided to do a sweets fast for a few months as an extra prayer for God to use me and lead me in this new direction.

I have always felt that the good needs to run to the bad, or the bad just gets worse. But has my life reflected it? Not so much. It is to a point of urgency that I don't feel like I'll TRULY be living my beliefs until I am fully immersed in the complexity of poverty and all that comes with it.

Scared?

Oh yeah.

But do I live by fear, or by adventure? When Luke and Kat left for South America, I prayed that they be "not safe, but smart." How often to we confuse these two, and keep ourselves from a situation that God really needed us for? The Bible says to not love our lives so much as to flee from death, and to not fear that that can harm the body. Why don't we see people live this more often?

I want to live by adventure, not fear. I want to grow my faith and run where no one will go - reach those that no one will reach. I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus in the darkest places, and I want to hound other Christ followers until they do it with me.

A few weeks ago a few of the girls from my salon came with me to the shelter I go to each week. In only a half hour, their whole perspective on those guys, and homelessness in general was completely changed. They were telling me about how touched they were by the experience, and I told them that if my life didn't reflect the things I talk about, what credibility to I even have? What credibility does God have, for that matter, if I'm suppose to be representing him here on earth?

So I will choose adventure, and not fear, and I will run the race marked out for me before time began. I will not love my life so much as to flee from death, or discomfort, or poverty. I will risk all for the sake of the one who seeks to reconcile all people - even the worst of the worst - to Himself.

and then, God...

who knows? but i hope :)

and then, God

i can't believe...

that i'm blogging

i've always felt weird about blogs...like people want validation for their lives, and their thoughts.

i feel like stories are special when they are told in person - with facial expressions and hand gestures and laughter and sometimes tears

i feel like telling stories on paper, on cyberspace...takes away from their depth and value

but then, God

used stories in my life - far from their authors

books
emails
blogs

to change me

grow me

stretch me

and then, God

reminded me that I had stories to tell, and that through them he wanted to

change me

grow me

stretch me

and reach others to help them know him.

So then, God...

i hope.