A burden too great

On a particularly hard day a couple of weeks ago, I saw on Facebook that one of our dear kids from the Monroe block had gotten shot in Rogers Park.  I was already processing one of our block teens finding out she was pregnant and another having been arrested.  I had tried several times to meet up with a different neighbor kid to enroll her in college classes and she hadn't shown up.   Now this.  I was so relieved to hear that the shot to his back did no permanent damage, but heartbroken to read that one of the kids he had been with was killed in the incident.

As I searched news articles to try and find out what exactly had happened, I stumbled across an article about the basketball coach from Marshall High School (across from our first house) that was also shot only a week or so earlier.  He was now paralyzed, having used his body to shield his 16 year old daughter as they drove to school.  What hit me like a knife to the heart was the article's picture of the 21 year old that had shot him - just a kid.  With blank eyes, it was as if he was reflecting his own paralyzed state back to me - a paralyzed heart.   I just held that picture to my chest and sobbed.  I cried for my kids, for the coach - and for this young man, who at such a young age had no regard for his own precious, God-given life.

Over a cup of coffee the next morning (quite puffy eyed), I revisited Genesis 1-3.  These are some of my favorite passages in the Bible and have been foundational in my faith and my understanding of God and our human state for some time now.  As I read, I felt God gently speaking comfort over me.   To Adam and Eve, the knowledge of good and evil was a tempting fruit but to God, it meant death.  "If you eat from it, you will surely die!" He declares to them early on.  It meant death because He knew it would give humanity a burden too great for them to bear.   They chose not to listen, and now this burden has been passed down since that very first sin, crushing people under its weight, generation after generation.  We are weak, and God knows that our response to evil will be evil, because sin has given us a tainted view, a tainted knowledge of good and evil.  God, however, can bear the burden, and is the only One that can respond to evil with good. The only time that Jesus asks us to be perfect "like our heavenly Father is perfect", is when He is asking us to love like God does.  Matthew 5:43-47 says "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.  He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."  

When evil is done to us, we will naturally respond with evil, because we cannot bear the weight of the knowledge of good and evil that we have been given.  The young man who shot the coach - he was just responding to the weight of all the evil that had been done to him.  The poverty, violence, struggle. He was being crushed under a burden too great for him to bear.

This is why Christ came - to be the strength of God in us.  To give us a solution to the weight we carry and enable us to be perfect like our Heavenly Father is perfect...helping us repay good for evil, love for hatred, Light for Darkness.  Trading our burden for His.  "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened" He says "...and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

and then, God...

gave me rest for my soul.  Thank you, Jesus.  

The calm after the storm

February 28.  On this day exactly a year ago, I lost the house I had been fighting a long 9 months for:

short sale approval
grant approval
demolition court?? WHAT
change banks for one that went with the grant approval
lost short sale window
applied for another short sale approval
sat in on building's court hearing
dug up everything I could on the house in past court documents
status at work changed
cancelled a trip to new york to attend landlord training class, required for grant
status at work changed back
short sale approved for closing Feb 28
grant date extended...to FEB 28
After calling countless insurance providers, finally finding one that would cover the house both unoccupied and occupied

The night before closing I finally fell asleep at 4am.

After signing papers for an hour (with a new inky pen!) the next morning I  was getting to the last pages, and suddenly, there was a call from the bank.

"Halt the deal.  This building is still in Demolition Court!"

I look at my lawyer.  We look at the other lawyer.  Everyone scrambles.  No one knows what to say. Or do.  I just sit there.  Speechless.

Call the city.  Call the bank.  Call the city again.  Call the bank.  Again.

After over an hour fighting both, neither of whom is willing to back down, my lawyer looks at me and shakes his head.  I was stunned.

The first person to speak was the seller's relator, an older African-American gentleman with a gentle smile and an oxygen tank always being wheeled behind him.  "The sad thing is that this building will never be owner occupied."   In that moment, I understood that holding back "the change" in the neighborhood was bigger than I could stop.  The homes available were only available to people sitting on thousands of dollars...wanting to make thousands of dollars.  Not caring about my community.  Not caring about my neighbors.  Not caring that slowly, each of them would be pushed out as poverty moved out and affluence moved in.

After generous offers by friends to help, and finding out that the building was not in fact in demolition court but had only been written up by their department, and then listed on their website (what my bank had, ultimately, seen and made their judgement on), we considered  pushing ahead, holding on by a thread, until realizing that we would have to submit and wait for a third short sale approval.  Enough! I said.  This is where I stop. This is where I walk away.  Or rather, at this point, limp.

My faith had been tested, no...crumpled.  It was still there, but it had been wounded in the fight, and I was walking lame.  If faith is "being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you do not see" (Hebrews 11:1) how could this have happened?  My biggest doubt wasn't in God - it was in myself.  How could I have missed what He was telling me? How could I have misunderstood His leading? I can't see the future, true, but everything I wanted to use the house for were things that HE had placed in my heart.  Was I selfish to fight, even though it was for something that I felt God was leading me to?
I wouldn't admit it then, but I slipped in to a depression that I couldn't shake for many, many weeks, and found it hard to talk about for the better part of a year.

Looking back, I can see clearly the ways that God was showing up to comfort me. Not explain what happened, but to walk beside me.  A sermon on Jesus' words to his disciples before he ascended "Peace be with you.  Stop doubting and believe.  You believe because you see, but blessed are those who believe though they cannot see."
Him nudging me to move on as I approached my 31st birthday and shortly after, seeing that "my" house had been bought.  In a storm, the large radio tower beside the house that had always so marked it came crashing down.  Silly things, maybe, but all things that God (caused? used?) to help

my heart heal
my faith heal
my dreams heal

Romans 12:12 reads:  "Be joyful in hope (me before the house fell through)  Patient in affliction (me during the house process and when it fell through) and faithful in prayer (where I am now).
Is God still using me here in East Garfield Park?  Yes.  Does God have good things for my future? Yes.  Does following God mean everything will work out for you.  No.  It means that all things will work for the good of those who love Him, WHO HAVE BEEN CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE.  Have I been called according to His purpose?  Absolutely.  Is Christ building his church, and are the gates of hell not being able to stop it? Yes.  Did I pray that God help me to experience some of the things that my neighbors had been experiencing? Yes.  Did I now have a greater understanding of the complexity of the West Side and people debilitated by poverty and a market that gives them no regard?  Yes.

What good came out of this experience?
I have time to attend and help out with 6 friend's weddings this year
I was able to enroll and return to school full time to finish my BA in Social Justice and dream about an eventual MA in Conflict Resolution
I was able to start praying about what it would look like to work with gangs on the West Side.
I was able to imagine living in West Garfield Park, where my heart is being ever more drawn
I was able to provide a great landlord with a tenant for a year so he would not lose his building, and a roommate to a woman moving from FL that needed one.  (As well as her being an answer to my own prayer for someone to fill Hillary's spot).
I was able to provide a home for a friend and her 10 year old daughter and, in a month, new baby son.

I don't know what I have learned.  Maybe it is not even about that.  Maybe it is just about journeying on, despite understanding.  Faith being sure of what I hope for, a God that is loving and present, and sure of what I do not see, the plans that He has for me.

and then, God...

asked me to just keep going.

When I move you move (just like that)

One of my favorite stories in the Old Testament is the account of the Israelites journey through the wilderness.  Through that rocky and unpredictable time, God was using experiences to not only teach them true trust, but to prepare them to be the people of God He had called them to be.  To prepare them to inhabit the land that he wanted to use to bless all people through them, as foretold long before to their father Abraham.

In this long and painful journey, they were instructed to watch the cloud above the arc by day, and the fire by night.  When the cloud moved, they moved.  When it stayed, they stayed.  Waiting, watching, trusting.

I always hope, in this story, that it got easier for them.  You know, like after awhile it was second nature to trust God fully and rely on his timing.  However, when I look at my own journey in  following God, I can't say that each new wilderness has gotten easier, or that I really understand fully what trusting in God truly means.

God has been using a particular situation in my life to teach me new levels of trust.  As you know from stories in this blog, God has been very intentional about giving me a heart for Chicago, and in particular, for East Garfield Park.   I have walked forward in faith and can see God working in me and through me as I continue to commit here.  The practical next step was finding a home to buy, and after much searching and praying and all kinds of obstacles, we found a place that seemed like it was the right step.  When we walked in, this is the first thing I saw:

We had just been through looking at house after house where we were going to have to ask people, who had been renting for years, to leave.  I was losing sleep over from the conflict it created in my spirit.  When we walked into this vacant building, and saw this, I sensed God was moving.  The fire was moving,  and I was committed to following, in all of the unpredictability, in all of my human doubt.

These past 3 months of working with trying to get this house has been one of the most intense experiences of my life.  There were a couple of times lately where I stepped back and asked God if I had been too eager? Had I mis-read his leading?  I won't bore you with every detail, but over and over there seemed to be things that were happening that needed a miracle to get through.  Every time, when I was on the brink of doubt, a piece of the puzzle would get solved.  We would take a step forward.  The cloud would move.

We are on the last leg, the last week or two of closing.  The numbers from the lender came back low, so my project manager and I are working to make something happen with them.  I've committed every cent from every savings account.  The seller's lawyer threatened to pull out if we weren't closed by the 31st but so far she has stayed in the game.  The title has been cleared from demolition court. The bank has approved the short-sale and allowed 2 extensions.  The architect is waiting.  The contractor is waiting.  And we are waiting, watching the cloud.

I will ask you to pray with me for faith and trust as I wait on God.  For blessings on this house and whoever will own it and bless this neighborhood with their presence.  For the things God wants to accomplish here.  For the Prince of Peace to reign.  For my wonderful roommates Hillary, Josh and Brian and I, as we make plans for the future, even in the unknown.  Chicago just witnessed their 500th homicide in 2012.  The man was only 40, and had grown up on my old block here in EGP.  We long to continue to make this our home, to live alongside these neighbors as they become our friends and family, and to see Christ's love spread like wildfire.   I long to have a house where "Hesed" can be experienced - lovingkindness and tender mercy.  I imagine families and foster kids and open houses and block parties, joy and love and sharing.  I imagine the kingdom, on earth as it is in heaven.

and then, God...

waited.

Becoming the Beloved Community

"Noncooperation and boycotts are not ends themselves; they are merely means to awaken a sense of moral shame in the opponent. The end is redemption and reconciliation. The aftermath of nonviolence is the creation of the beloved community."  Martin Luther King Jr.

When one fights injustice, it is easy to get caught up and feel that the action in of itself is the goal, when really, the goal is deeper.  The goal is to become the Beloved Community.

This past 6 weeks I have had the privilege of attending Breakthrough's "Race Conversations" class.  The goal of the class is to talk about issues of Race, Privilege and Inequality in a safe space where experiences can be shared and where everyone can leave with a better understanding of each other and the racial divide that still exists in our city and country.

These times have been heavy, sad, but have also greatly deepened my understanding of what my now neighbors face on a daily basis.  It also reminds me that before becoming one, and before even moving to action, we need operate from a paradigm that includes perspectives outside of just our own.  

I have had the privilege of having my roommate Josh join me at the class, which has allowed for many great discussions on the walk home and with our other two roommates.  We've also become close with the others in the class, and look forward to these new friendships remaining past the 6 weeks we've been together.

A couple of weeks back my and I ventured out to a great little vintage theater here in the city, Music Box, to see "The House I live in", a documentary about the current judicial system as it pertains to the War on Drugs and race.  I would highly recommend gathering some friends together to see it.   Another great clip to check out is an interview with Michelle Alexander, author of "The New Jim Crow'. 

Change your paradigm by becoming informed 
Take action
Become the Beloved Community

and then, God...smiled

(For more information on the next Race Conversations: Becoming the Beloved Community class, contact Breakthrough at breakthrough.org).

Packing Boxes, Putting down roots.

There have been many changes since we distributed the invitation to join our Community House.  Two dear friends jumped on board - Brothers-in-Christ who have been following what we have been doing this past year.  With their commitment and with conversations and prayers of discernment, I decided to pursue a home purchase with vigor.   We got an amazing relator who grew up in the West Side and are close to closing on a house in the neighborhood - stay tuned!

Until then, we are lucky to be moving into an apartment owned by a friend only blocks from our current place, and a mere 2 blocks from Breakthrough Urban Ministries.  This gives us the ability to rent month-to-month until we are free and clear to move into the new place, without leaving the neighborhood.  We are excited to finally be all together in one place to start molding our vision for this next phase.  There are dreams of food co-ops, farmers markets, jam making, cooking classes, food distribution and community nights, brainstorming on ways to bless and empower those around us.  

With the excitement comes plenty of sadness as well.  We are moving out of a building and block that we have come to dearly, dearly love.  Countless neighbors have told us that they will miss us and that we are the best neighbors they have ever had.  This is very humbling to me, and shows the generosity with which we were welcomed.  

I am deeply saddened when I hear our neighborhood described in a negative light, or when the first thing people want to know is if I feel safe.  I feel sorry for everyone who can only go off of a 2D perspective fed to them by the news.  We who live here are the lucky ones - the ones who get a 3D perspective.  The stories of the love, community and joy that are beautiful parts of this neighborhood.

I am so grateful for the things I have learned this year, and the relationships I have been privileged to be a part of.  As my downstairs neighbor put it when I told her we were moving from the building: "Well, we will just build on what we have started here!"  

and then, God...amazed me.


“Love is what carries you, for it is always there, even in the dark, or most in the dark, but shining out at times like gold stitches in a piece of embroidery. ”
- Wendell Berry, from Hannah Coulter

Our block's own water park!

My new (to me) bike, B Magee!

                        

Enjoying the Chicago summer

Taking Shawny to the Museum

Week in Oregon and Montana with my lovely family!

Spending time with Grandpa Bob

So much fun riding the train to Montana with my dear cousin Erin Catherine, just back from Senegal!

Join us!

A well-known Portland Church, Imago Dei, recently invited a panel of African-American male leaders to speak on “The Black Male Experience” (http://www.imagodeicommunity.com/sunday/sermon-archive/ title “holla”).   

One of the thoughts a member of the panel expressed was that “Black people don’t want your help.  They want to share in your humanity.” This truth gave words to the exact feeling that drew the four women of the Monroe House (Hannah, Hillary, Gayle and Lauren) to East Garfield last July to begin on an endeavor of intentional community.

Almost a year after our move we have not only found the phrase tried and true, but have come to believe that it is the key to overcoming the racial divisions that have such deep roots in our city.   By doing life together with families on our block and in our building, we have been able to see beyond skin color and culture, and embrace each other as human beings and recognize the image of God in each person.

The desire to share in people’s humanity also informs how we define “ministry” in our neighborhood.  Instead of basing our activities around the question “how are we going to help people?” (Which often ends up being very top-down)  we ask, “How can we share in each other’s humanity?”  We have left “outreach activities” for daily life activities. Little ways of having needs that make us equal such as borrowing a mixer or using a neighbor’s washing machine.  We have found some great common ground with our neighbors, so nights and weekends tend to be full of laughter, reading books, making crafts, and one of our favorites having meals together.

Sharing in humanity with those outside of our doors has to begin with our own commitment to each other.  Those living in the Monroe House are not just roommates, but are living life through love, vulnerability, and accountability.  We believe in simplicity, making room for time and resources to be best used to aid those in need and releasing the control with which money and power often keeps our society in bondage.  The value of creative and loving problem solving is held high, both inside our home and outside of our doors.

We welcome you to come experience our lives first hand!  You can start by checking out our blogs (Hillary- believethatlovewins.blogspot.com) emailing us, stopping by for an afternoon, and joining us for one of our monthly potlucks.

The mission of the Monroe House is to provide a loving environment, rooted in Jesus, where we can share in each other's humanity and honor the image of God in each person that walks through our doors. We see love as the way to overcome barriers that separate us and we seek to practice this love with reckless abandon.

         We would love you to be a part of it!

Photo-Gallery

(For weekly photographs, follow me on Instagram or Twitter: @hannahbonham)